Catch and Release

Thanks Matt for sending this to me. Freakin funny!

Abbey's New Hat

Abigayle Irene

Last Year's Weight Chart

Notice the Holiday Season Butter and Gin Spike.

Wow

The chunkie monkey that rolled up to the Starbucks at REI in Denver on
this rig knows how to spend his money well. What a fantastic ride and
the wheels are worth more than my whole bike.

First drink poured by Endo's for the season

Two runs, a bloody mary and head home. Good first ski day for 08/09.

Merchandising at its best

Who wouldn't want to buy 3 gallons of crisco oil while shopping for Christmas stuff?

It begins

Peering Pussy

I have crabs

Baby Pics

Wow...an upside down pussy pic. I should post more of these.

Snowy riding makes me happy.

Repeated drug use is bad for you

Freaky, creepy kitty

Up to the Basin ride

Wow doesn't the Basin look wicked entertaining. It should be a mob scene tomorrow.

Batter Blaster...everything you think it is

Best sight on the Vail Pass climb

Almost over.

Copper's White Strip of Death

Le Roy de DouchBags

April 2004: "People pay their mortgages," he told a group of mortgage bankers. "I don't think we are in any remote danger here. This focus on receivership, I think, is intended to create fears that aren't there."

This one time, at band camp

More Sarah, Thanks Jared!

Sometimes I climb

Summit County Fall Riding Scenery

Sorry, no Palin shot today.

Lance is back on Astana

In the "we-were-sick-of-hearing-about-Lance-3-years-ago-and-not-really-looking-forward-to-more-about-him" news, Amber Neben won the ITT World Championships. By the way, she was also 2nd in GC at the 2008 Giro d' Italia Femminile.

How about less Lance more chicks, man.

Funny Velonews Stuff

Contador talking about Levi and lack of support from Astana:

"The reporter asked who is the biggest wheel-sucker, Leipheimer or Cadel Evans?
“Uff, mmm, the truth is, I wouldn’t know what to say …,” Contador said, leaving it with a smile."

Please enjoy this pic of Sarah Palin. If you complain about me posting these, I'm just going to post more, Lee.

You so sexy...WTF

Nice Photoshop to whoever did this.

The Helmet Poster Boy

Uncle Richy (Dziomba) says ,"Wear your helmets kiddies. You never know when you're gonna flat your front tire on a descent."

Landis is Back!

Initial reports are that Floyd will race on Health-Net Maxxis next year. The sponsorship is expected to switch to Smith & Nephew, the makers of Landis' artificial hip. Woo-hoo!

What the hell.

If I cut this little rebellious bastard down, will that hold off winter for a few more weeks?

Lance is back

Wow that takes ball!

It ends!

Race season for me ended 2 weeks ago since I skipped the End of the Season Road Race yesterday. That's it until March when it begins again. Time to start training for 2009. Oh crap! That means it actually begins. Ow my head hurts.

Funny Craig's List Bike for sale posting

Manly Bike for Sale
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT
Bike for sale
What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank.

The bike has 7 speeds in total:
Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gea
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 765370039

Carter's Mega Baby Sale

I went out to ride with David Lee and Jaime went to Carter's for the baby sale. Hot action for the Labor Day weekend. Plus a Club Med xGO fest at Scott an Megan's with Scott Barney, Betsy, Julie Ha Ha (and kids), Andrew and Apple, and Sholeh (and Conner).

Boulder Crit Series #4

That concludes Crit racing for 2008 for me. I worked hard enough to be happy with that race but didn't make the break so I can be sad too. Poor little me. Finished in a group behind the break group and that was that. Nothing good, nothing bad.

Joe Taddeucci took a nasty crash. Hope he recovers quickly.

HART Crit

It was back, the return of the HART Crit after a one year leave of absence. This a great race. Grind up a hill, sweep into a slight downhill with a cross wind, corner into the wind then corner downhill into a little S turn and go back uphill through the start-finish. The wind was furious and there is nothing to slow the pack so no breaks stayed away. I was basically packfill for the whole race, trying to stay out of the wind. That came back to haunt me, deservedly so, when I tried to move up on the last lap and got nicely boxed in. Finished mid-pack.

It was great to ride with Jared again even if for a brief stint on the second leg of his double dippage. The tornado was an added bit of excitement for the spectators.

Rosebud made an appearance on T-Bone's blog.

Boulder Crit Series #3

Got to the race a little late and hurried to get dressed, registered and onto the back of the Cat 4 race in time to warm up. Nothing like 25+ MPH warm ups to get you moving.

For whatever reason, the officials called up a 45+ guy and gave him a 20 to 30 second head start. I was sitting 3rd on the first lap and the head-start guy was up the road. The two monkeys in front of me were looking for a way to drop back in the pack so instead of pulling I decided that attacking and bridging up to head-start guy would be fun. It took me a full lap to reach him. When he saw me come up he said, "oh sweet!" We worked together for a a fair amount of laps before the pack brought us back. After getting caught, I drifted back and took a little rest time. Eventually I was back towards the front spending the rest of the race either hanging on for dear life or trying to move back up. The pack seemed relatively easy to move around in. I had my chance to really move up in the last few laps but lacked the commitment to go around the front edge of the pack. There is something about a lot of riders, especially in the 3s, that keeps them going all the way to the front. They will go up until they find the angled edge of the front but won't pull through. If you have room to get around them and the commitment, you can move yourself into top 5 position without too much trouble. I lacked commitment.

The last lap was pretty furious. I took the inside line and sprinted as hard as I could up the right side. I went pretty early and again lacked the commitment to sprint harder since I was nowhere near top 10. I sat up a little before the line and apparently drifted a bit to the right. I heard a scream not unlike a piglet getting castrated. That was Lee who was coming up on the right. Sorry about that Lee. He and I finished in the middle of the pack. So good race for both. Lee was responsible for a nice collection of attacks and covering some of the pro guy's attacks. That dude can motor.

North Boulder Park Crit

I popped. Hard. Sad.

WTF

October...oops I mean August 16

Here's some pics from today's activities and the snowy weather.

Cletis McFetus is a rambunctious little monkey. The Ultra-Sound lady had a hard time getting a picture with all of the moving around.

Wicked new score from the Senior Center Sell-Yo-Extra-Crap-A-Thon.

Rosebud Impersonates a Harbor Seal

Check this out you bitches

Personal, home-based laser hair removal.

Product Endorsement

Spenco 2nd Skin Moist Burn Pads

Go crash your bike, get road rash, stand in the shower and cry, stick this stuff on it, smile.

Bike and Baby

As I laid there last night trying find a position that was not on the road rash, Cletis decided to do some swimming; so I got to feel Cletis McFetus move around. That was cool.

Training today was good. No parts, hip, shoulder, etc., were acting up so it's game back on for this weekend. North Boulder Park Crit is a great race. It was featured in the Coors Classic back in the day. Basically the course is technical with an all-out drag strip in the middle of it and small hill that isn't much until you've had to go up it the 30th time. Saturday we go the doctor for the 20th week electro-scopey-thing baby viewing. An action packed weekend is coming up.

Prospect Criterium

Wow..what a continuous series of errors for what was overall a great race. I had a mechanical and had to go to the pit after the first turn. So flat wheel in, heavy-ass rear, training wheel out. I missed a few laps since I had to walk it back to the pit. I got back in at the back/middle of the pack and had to repair what was a fantastic start off the line. It took at least 5 or 6 laps to get back up to the front. This course had a very technical series of turns (4) then opened up a little for two more turns into the start/finish. Finally I was back in the front 5 to 10 riders and was happy to be there.

The attacks started up and we, Vitamin Cottage, were responsible for a lot of them. Sharkey made a good attempt kind of early. He hesitated a little and I yelled for him to go harder. A few guys started to bridge up with me on their wheel. Unfortunately the pack didn't have a good sense of humor about early attacks and brought us back quickly. Then Kenny attacked enough times to make you dizzy. Then Sharkey kept at it. Rob was also in the front for most of the race and road really well. We were pretty much sticking it to the field every chance we could. I was starting feel like it was my turn to go off the front when a guy 2 or 3 wheels in front of me clipped the barrier on turn one. There was a decent pile as a result and I did the tip over thing, going to the pit for the second time.

After getting back on, I was working pretty hard to get back to the front. The pack had been whittled down to about half those who had started; this course was way too short and technical to keep lapped riders. It was getting close to 5 to go and I needed to move up. I started to pick off a fair amount of riders in front of me. Kenny was in front of me after one of his attacks and looked like he couldn't close a widening gap in front of him. I came around and closed it in two turns bringing him with me. I was feeling really good; maybe because I had had so many free laps.

The pack was pretty strung out and going into turn 1 I clipped my pedal and went down hard. After coming to a stop I stayed down partially out of shock and partially convince I was going to be piled upon. Fortunately we were going around 30 mph so I slid clear of the guys behind me. I got up and after asking for my bike back from the Marshall, started heading for the pit for the 3rd time. I had dislodged the bead from rear tire and it blew up. I was out of pit wheels and that was it for my race. Jaime had never really seen me in a crash and was a little freaked out. It is probably not a good experience to see your spouse destroy the right side of his kit (my left sock and left glove survived), tear open his bike pants and get road rash from shoulder to ankle. I did most of my skidding on my head so no real damage there.

Ryan the medic guy, who I had met a few weeks before at a post-race pizza party, did a great job cleaning the road crud out of the wounds. If you ever have the desire to slide across the pavement and remove skin layers, Ryan is your guy. Jaime and I then took off towards home stopping at 3 different pharmacies for supplies. I drove slower than normal trying to postpone the inevitable post-crash shower which always makes me cry.

I am not sure how Kenny, Rob and Sharkey ended up but there were definitely a bunch of primes that went to them. A really good race for VC. We road well together without having to verbally communicate during the race.

Boulder Crit Series #1

That was a great race. I can't say that I was great but it was definitely worth the drive for the workout. Boulder is great place for a mid-week crit series; there's always at least one pro dude who shows up. Last night it was Danielson who showed to initiate the attacking along with a good collection of Vitamin Cottage guys and some of the remaining Aussie kids who haven't gone home.

I blocked a bunch at the beginning and got into a rotating echelon with some of the elite VCers. That only lasted a few laps for me. Those guys are way stronger and I needed to get back into the pack and recover a bit. Eventually I found myself in the back pack. The "dropped" are always the dumbest riders and can't seem to accept their fate.

There is always at least one who has to attack the group instead of working with us. At one point I said to my teammate, "holy shit...it's an echelon...sweet. We're working together." The next corner our dipshit du jour, who had been sitting on the back, came around and attacked us. Basically that was the last time we tried to work together. If you aren't with us, you're against us.

I sat up for a lap to recover a bit and fix my glasses; it was dark and I couldn't see anything (Couldn't see with or without those things). I got back on our group as they came around and sat on the dipshit. With 2 laps to go, I told my teammate that I would lead him out. The course was about a .7 mile lap and with one to go I ramped it up about halfway. Unfortunately I gapped him on the 90 degree turn into the finish and the leadout didn't really work out. We did effectively drop everyone in our group though. It was a good race, all-in-all and I'll be back next week.

World's Tiniest Bike Pants

Cletis McFetus got him or herself a pair of bike pants today from REI. They cost $1.83.

Bannock Street Criterium

Nothing fantastic to report for Bannock. There was a 4 man break with one of our Vitamin Cottage guys in it, Mike Sharkey. I was stuck back in the pack for the whole race. Of course there were some ridiculous crashes to entertain the masochists. I finished up about mid-pack.

I should add that this is probably one of my best Bannock crits. When I was a 35/4, I was taken out on the first turn with 2 laps to go. Nice road rash and either a bruised or cracked tailbone which kept me uncomfortable on bar stools for about a year. Then a blowout in the 35s two years in a row. So I'll take a pack finish for that one and smile.

CSP Table Mountain Crit aka PseudoMead aka Wheels of Thunder course

Alright that's it for the CSP Tuesday night race. If I want to go to a weekly practice crit, I can now go to Boulder for DBC's race or go to Meridian to really get with the silliness. As usual I sat on the back of the 4s for about 8 laps. That is the best pre-race warm out there. The pace is moderate and they crank it up for the sprint laps.

I don't know what it is about the counter-clockwise direction but it seems a lot easier for me. That little bit of rest going down the hill every lap is nice to my legs. I stayed in the pack for the first few laps watching a bunch of feeble attacks get sucked up. The top part of the course was a little hard at first with all the fresh legs and guttering on the top of the hill. I like to watch Bob Pinkerton (VC) race. He seems to always find the path of least resistance when there is any wind (there was not much) and always races well.

Eventually I was towards the front when a bunch of guys decided to bridge up to a group with at least one VC guy in it. I sat on the back of that group and had a free ride up there. That break was not going to succeed but being in it for a bit is still an accomplishment for an ex-Cat 4 sprint whore (me). When we were caught, I settled back in and rested a bit. Another break went and looked pretty good; they had a really good gap according to Andy the official (after-party discussion). I was in the pack sitting behind Jason Donald (Garmin-Chipotle) and Dan Schmatz (retired pro). They were talking and it seemed they had some sort of evil plan brewing. I decided to glue my eyes to Jason's ass panel and stay attached to him. Wow....that dude can go fast. He dragged me up to the front along with Schmatz, Carlos Casali (known speedster on the HART team) and Joey Pinkerton (VC), recruiting Jonathan Garcia (BMC) along the way. All I heard from Jason was, "let's bring them back". Oh crap, that is going to hurt the 40 year-old marginal Cat 3 legs.

I was sitting second wheel behind Jason and we were doing 35-36 mph. He flicked his elbow just before the chicane and I came through. Apparently I jumped a little because he told me to ease up a bit. I think if he knew me better he would have known that easing up is my specialty. I stayed out driving the pace for a reasonable amount of time then dropped back about 4 or 5 people. I was back on Jason's wheel for the final push up to the breakaway. Going up the little rise to the chicane he started to gap me at at least 35 mph. (This is the guy who was second in the Prologue at the 2008 Tour of California.) We had pretty much caught the break at that point. I took a little dig to decrease the gap and sat up to go back into the pack and recover. That really good break was caught in less than two laps.

With 3 or 4 laps to go, my legs had sort of recovered and felt pretty good. I was under the impression I might be able to sprint. The last lap came and I found myself sitting second wheel behind a Spine and Sport (Aka: Creamsicles) guy who did not want to be in front.I stayed glued to him and refused to come around. An Aussie kid attacked and I got on his wheel. He sat up. I think I was on Jonathan Garcia's wheel for a bit then Jason Donald attacked and I got on his wheel. All that attack covering deflated my opinion about sprinting. After a few hundred meters of staying on Jason's wheel, I had enough and let the guys who were able to sprint it out come around me. I sat up, rolled in off the back and declared myself done.

This week in doping: Ricco admits to taking EPO. Thanks Riccardo for coming clean. Looking forward to seeing you in a few years. It is a respectable thing to admit to your short-comings. You have gained a lot of credibility. Thanks dude. Oh...and thanks for pointing out how half-assed the testing was by missing 13 out of 15 positives. You still have your douche edge.

Douche Bag Tourist Statement

Overheard by Jaime at Starbucks:

Looking at the continental divide at sunrise, one douche bag says to douche bag friend, "Wow...that's beautiful. It looks just like a screen saver."

Dare To Be Stupid - Salida Crit

I decided that today I would try to go with a break. Some time around the first Prime would be good. I let Kenny know in case he felt the overwhelming desire to block. Matt Barrowclough was also at the start but I didn't have time to talk to him.

Right from the gun a little RMCEF twerp and Robbie Stout (Horizon Organic) took off and I had an open line to get on their wheels. After turn #2 we had a pretty large gap thanks to one of Robbie's teammates and Lee Herndon (RMRC). Things were going really well for such a ridiculous attack. Then the first prime was called. We were working well together and the dude from CSU, known for pointless early attacking, came up with at least one other guy. Nice! Now we have at least 5 in the break and blockers! The stupid early attack might actually stay away for a while! Then within a block it was no longer to be. Something ignited way back in Robbie's brain stem that said, me need food...go fast...get prime for food...me hungry. So he basically turned the last two corners into a 5 up sprint for a prime blowing the crap out of a good group.
So much for working together. I was not going to chase after that kind of silliness so I sat up. The pack came around and I was a little cooked. Needless to say, the fracturing break incited the field to crank it up and I tried as hard as I could to stay attached. One dude in front of me totally gapped the last 15 in the pack and I had to close it. After being out early, it was more than I could take. The shelling came quick. I tried to ride with Robbie and keep the pack in sight in case they sat up a bit but it was not meant to be. He was done within a few laps and I don't think he got the prime. Oh...still so hungry and no gift certificate. Bummer dude. Is this the reason that most Cat 3 breaks don't succeed? Lack of communication? Feeling the need to attack the group for a gift certificate?

Kenny Rowe attacked on a late prime (5-6 to go) and eased up to go back to the pack leaving an RMRC guy out front. Matt B. saw his opportunity and attacked when Kenny was absorbed. He got a really good gap, passing the RMRC guy who was still off the front. He did a great job keeping his gap and it started raining. Rain is good news to anyone off the front. The pack has a much harder time getting around the corners in the rain. Matt held off the RMRC guy and took the win!

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Freakin' brilliant leadout by Quick Step for Gert Steegmans.

Well that's a wrap...thanks to the two people who read this junk. No more daily TV coverage until next year. Maybe we'll get weekend updates for the Vuelta. Time to throw out the sandbags, ride on the rivet, ride like a man possessed, throw caution and intellect to the wind, pedal squares, dig deep and other such cyclo-jargon.

Au revoir...drunk spectators, devils, dopers, that Al Troutwig replacement douche, Bob's gap, Saab's constant explanation of how every fucking turbo works, girating Mojito hips, ExxonMobil propaganda, channel flipping, needless but valiant attacking, pussy ass sponsors looking for excuses to bail on their teams, whiney wankers, ...but especially you brave Euro-Mullet-Wearers...we'll miss you most of all.

Important information from Facebook: Euro Cyclists Group

THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell

1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.
2. Training is based solely on feel, while racing is to be guided by sensations and instinct. The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.
3. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom distinct in colour. In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further!
4. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (large or small) with ANY AMOUNT of stubble visible on legs.
5. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.
6. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.
7. Cycling shoes must contain at least 80% white! The following exceptions apply…i) Colours combinations such as world cup stripes, or Olympic gold where title has been EARNED.ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.
8. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn. When booties are worn, socks should protrude approximately 7 centimetres above the ankle, and shall always protrude at least 1.5cm from any booties worn.
9. Your bike frame must contain 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.
10. You shall race only on Bora’s or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404’s or 202’s) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Regardless, Ceramic bearings shall be used at all times on both training and race bikes.
11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.
12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn at all time without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.
13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors at any time. It is, however, acceptable to wear your helmet while outdoors on a patio. (see rule 34)
14. In RARE cases, it has been deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE rule 12 is followed in these special cases.
15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with specifics of current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all time in place of caps.
16. Kits will always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette (cologne). It is, AT ALL TIMES, FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit, as it is extremely detrimental to your image.
17. Saddles shall be white in colour only and will be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions shall be made in the following cases… i) Saddles containing WorldCup Stripes or Olympic Gold when EARNEDii) Italian Flag colour combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)
18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as being WHITE IN COLOUR. Bar tape will be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.
19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm and a rise of no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours.
20. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.
21. Facial hair will be restricted to (at maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, or any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note: this DOES NOT apply to the legs!
22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted. There is a case by case exception for SRAM RED.
23. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than €2000 in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.
24. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.
25. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are Cross Country skiing, and long track speed skating.
26. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey, special gloves will be made to match the colour of the jersey while blending the team kit colours simultaneously.
27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or triathlete) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you are required to ride up uncomfortably close and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves.
28. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm/head movements are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.
29. you shall NEVER rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.
30. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of your bike.
31. Gearing is restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. You shall never be seen pedaling at a cadence over 90rpm in case it detracts from your calm/smooth factor. The use of 25t cog is acceptable in special training circumstances.
32. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to your home country’s flag located on the top-tube within 10 cm seat-tube ON ONE SIDE ONLY.
33. Pedals MUST be either Look or Time. No other pedals are to be considered. (as always, ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN).
34. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all).
35. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken while wearing your team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as puma's). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. You are expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophy.
36. All pre and post-race activity will be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massage, interviews, and looking fantastic) leaving you in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up your enviable tanlines or pose for photo’s.
37. Post-race, you shall be tied to your mobile phone, receiving endless calls from your attractive euro-girlfriend or important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.
38. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit, in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.
39. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s house or deep-trance hard-style German techno hereby known as 'euro beats'. NO EXCEPTIONS.
40. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) will be used on ALL BIKES. Exceptions include….i) Special edition 24k gold cages are acceptable in certain cases such as photo shoots, prologues or where colour coordination dictates. Ex. Gold Cage with Olympic Gold/white team kit.
41. Water Bottles shall be referred to solely as "Bidon's" and shall have a volume NOT EXCEEDING 500ml. Bidon's will always be matching of team/kit colours. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE in ANY CIRCUMSTANCE to leave bidon's on bike more than 10 minutes post ride OR while transporting bikes via bike rack.
42. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.
43. While soloing in for a victory, you will ensure your jersey is FULLY ZIPPED and ALLIGNED, so all title sponsors are clearly visible. You shall then smile and flex your arms while pointing skywards. The projection of ones fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.
44. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor’s products, you have the option of appearing fully nude, in your team kit, or in full Brioni 3 piece suits (nothing else). Smiling is prohibited in these instances.
45. When appearing in documentaries, you must be seen walking around the hotel in your kit at all times. It is also recommended that you constantly be eating something in front of the cameras.
46. When asked "how are you?" while riding you must proceed with one of the following...-Complain about coming off a sickness.- Explain you're peaking for bigger races later in the season- Mention that this is a "recovery ride"-That you are on the tail end of your daily 6 hour training ride.
47. If you feel the urge to relieve yourself during a race, you shall gracefully meander to the back of the pack, seat yourself sideways on his saddle, and pee into the sunflowers. It is your duty to ensure that no camera crew catches the act, for it could be detrimental to your image. Under no circumstances shall you dismount from his bike to urinate.
48. When climbing anything with a gradient above 20% and lasting over 8 kilometers, you are required to fully unzip your jersey and let it flutter freely in the wind.
49. When dropping out of a race, you shall avoid the embarrassment of entering the official broomwagon and will instead wait for the team vehicle. When asked the reason for dropping out, you shall cite mechanical problems or oncoming sickness as the reason to avoid any bad speculation in relation to your fitness.
50. If in doubt, the euro cyclist shall mention in an interview that his pollen allergies are acting up, and that he’s not sure that he’ll win the Giro this year. In this situation, remember to note that the sensations are otherwise good, and that eventually you’ll win a beautiful stage.
51. Team-building motivational camps will be held annually in the off-season. These are to place team members in as ridiculous a setting as possible. Photos will be widely reproduced to demonstrate team cohesion.
52. During the pre-race medical checks, star riders of each team are STRONGLY ADVISED to play doctor with each other while shirtless. Photos taken must strive to be as HOMOEROTIC AS POSSIBLE.
53. In order to avoid the harsh European winter, you shall:i)flee to the warmer climes of Mallorca/South Africa/Canary Islands/etc.ii)“train the mind, body and soul” with Kreitler brand rollers.
54. In the event of a crash, no matter how badly you have injured yourself, you shall proceed to mummify yourself with fishnet gauze. The act of gauzing oneself is looked upon with respect by other Euro Cyclists because it is a statement of commitment and strength of character to continue racing when injured. White Gauze is the norm, but world cup striped gauze and or national colors may be worn on select occasions depending on the rider.

Super Extra Bonus Stupid Stuff

The clear leader in the Douche Jersey this year is the ASO for attempting and failing to change the tours doping image. Nice job omitting Astana and keeping Saunier Duval which is now as Scott-American Beef. That's a fantastic name for a team. I wonder if they will play nice with the Dairy Cow team, Agritubel.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Oh bugger! The soft, emotional, squeaky-voice community of Australia is currently embraced in a comforting but forelorned hug. Down with that little Spanish Wanker!

All the Rainbow Flags in Sydney are at half mast.

Holy hell, I gotta jump on that limited edition Thomas Kincade, Daytona 500 print advertised on Versus. That'll look good with a L'Elvis de Veltette against a backdrop of panelling. What an opportunity to collect some art! I'm so glad I didn't flip channels today.

Dog and Cat call a Nap Truce

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Another breakaway from non-GC threats is finished. It's nice to see a French guy win something once in a while.

Tomorrow is the day. Cadel will crush it, Sastre might show us something we have not seen from him, Robbie McEwen will coast along saving his energy for sprinting vengeance in Paris since he no longer has look at Mark Cavendish's ass 20 meters ahead of him.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

No such luck for the French Police today when they searched Johnny Schleck's car. Sorry Froggies, Frank and Andy might just be fast up hill.

Maybe they eat less butter in Luxembourg.

CSP Table Mountain Crit aka PseudoMead aka Wheels of Thunder course

Congratulations to Jon Tarkington and Beth Fisk on the birth of Sam Douglas Tarkington yesterday!


So this race blew up rather quickly. I went after the first sprint points and as usual was 6th and took no points. I held in there OK after the sprint but the legs were hurting. Gaps started opening up and eventually I was popped off the back. So much for going after that first sprint. I eventually got into a group and we were doing a good job of rotating. A Primus Mootry 35+ geek was giving us shit for not changing our rotation down the hill for the little bit of time the wind changed (slightly) so we appeased him and started changing. He didn't really want to ride with us if we didn't do what he told us to do. What a dork.

Speaking of dorks, the two Echelon guys in our group chucked their water bottles with 2 or 3 to go and started driving the pace like they thought they would drop us. It was like a lead out for someone but they didn't have anyone else in the our pack. Lee Herndon and I were the only ones sitting on them. WTF. They drove us around to 3 Vitamin Cottage guys who had lapped us then immediately blew up and sat up in front of them. WTF.

It is always weird when people get so geeked to set up sprints for 40th place. Let see. I sucked it up and got dropped but I'll be damned if I am going to ride through the finish with the people I have been sucking it up with for the last half hour.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Nothing stupid today in the tour! This is the stage we have been waiting for. Wait a minute, there's always something stupid. Here's something or someone stupid, Cadel Evans swatting French Media Flies. He needs to take off his skirt, grow a mustache and harden the fuck up, right Chopper? Just when I was feeling sad about Riccard Ricco disappearing on us, Cadel steps up as the new peloton douche.




Sweet! Amidst the Hill of Drunken French Douche Bags. A non-douche bag from a non-douche bag team takes the GC and Stage 17.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

SNIDE COMMENTATOR: O Riccardo, Riccardo! Wherefore art thou Riccardo? Deny thy silly name (Cobra) and refuse thy dope; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn to ride again, And shalt not longer be ragged upon.

Riccardo [Aside.]: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

SNIDE COMMENTATOR: 'Tis but thy name that is the enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Cobra. What's Cobra? It is nor Trikki, nor Pirate, Nor Kaiser, nor Badger. O, be some other name Belonging to a man. For dost not thine name beckon to be called the Snake of the Trouser? That which we call a Cobra By any other word would reek of a stench. So Riccardo would, were he not Cobra called, Retain that perfection which he owes Without the title Douche. Riccardo, doff thy name; And for thy name which is no part of thee, for thou be the Trouser Snake.

Ricco, dude, we miss you. The Tour needs a douche and nobody has stepped up in your absence.

Au revoir Bushy Pants

Bush is not long for the office and I am going to miss learnin' alternative usagism for naytionalistic English languages.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

A thank you to Matt Stein for providing today's excerpt.

Rest day reckless speculation:
by Matt Stein, Northfield, MN

Menchov is looking good (If doesn’t fall over) – He’s either going to be huge on Alpe D’Huez or a big chocker.

Cadel is done. When they come out of the Alps the time he can recover in the TT won’t be enough. Will he cry again?

Nice try C-VV [Christian Vande Velde] – Top 10 in Paris. Need to do some attacking to stay in top 5…sitting on Cadel's wheel isn't going to get you there.

Leanin' Tree Crit

Great course. Two 90 degree turns back-to-back into a long sweeping, slightly downhill turn ending with a 90. Then up a little power hill around another 90 and about 600 or 700 meters up through the start/finish. Laps were about 3 minutes.

Chris Cummings, took off about 2 laps into the race and got a guy to go with him. Since it was so early, I decided to see what would happen. He and the other guy stayed away the whole race with one guy chasing. It was bloody hot and windy. A storm was building up and the wind shifted from a tailwind to headwind down the finish straight. That really help the break to stay away. While the pack was rolling slowly into the headwind, they were on the long, sloping downhill going downwind. Sometimes early breaks work.

Chris won when the other guy started sprinting with 500 meters to go and he waited to come around with about 50 meters. That was a really good race for him and confirms his desire to move to the 2s. I finished mid-pack and was able to pick off a few people at the end who were stalling into the vicious headwind. All-in-all a good race for me, especially since I have not historically ridden well with temperatures near 100.

Added note thanks to my beautiful wife Jaime: I like to make sound effects when zipping up the side of the pack when Lee (Herndon) is there to hear them..."Yikes, and away!"

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Nothing snide today. I don't think anyone really believed Pereiro to be a GC contender, after he won by default in the Landis affair, but nobody likes to see someone take a crash like that.

Heal quickly...little Spanish monkey.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Barloworld found a way out of paying to sponsor a team when they bailed out in a tizzy fit over Duenas' positive.

They shoud get a Spanish sponsor next year or move to California and call themselves High Road. That name's not being used anymore.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Piepoli has been released from Saunier Duval for violating "team ethics". This is a team with a rider who somehow gets his hands on a very new, not-on-the-market-yet EPO drug. He did this all by his dumb little self and the team manager, Mauro Gianetti, was "totally unaware of any doping practices going on in the team."

Wow...Liberty Seguros...oops I mean Saunier Duval and Gianetti are sooo pure. Wait...isn't he the guy who was suspected of doping when he passed out at the Tour of Romandie in 1997? Oh right...nobody doped in the 90s. Hee-hee.

Added bonus crap:

Tom Boonen, Favorite Song Lyrics "you gotta fight, for your right, to paaaaartay."

Andy Dick Quote from The Gong Show "You're not born with that talent...it's fucked into you by a gay wizard." Yikes.

A reasonable solution to an irrational problem

My letter to the editor from the July 9 edition of the Summit Daily:

It looks like Denver Water has finally realized that a bored and sleepy security guard armed with a blow horn and a pistol is no match for a motivated terrorist sleeper cell hell-bent on disrupting the flow of Front Range water and turning Silverthorne into a pond. There is only one reasonable solution to this problem. We need to call out the militia.



Somewhere in the woods there is a group fine American citizen, looking for something to shoot besides beer cans. Strength in numbers! This will be known as Operation Dam Redneck Surge and Protect. We will also need a complete replica of Boston’s Old North Church and volunteer child. Said child (wearing helmet) will be stationed in the belfry with two Coleman Lanterns to indicate the direction of terrorist attack. One if by land. Two if by lake.



Upon indication of said attack (when it is not a drill) Broncos mascot Thunder II ridden by the fabulous Ann Judge-Wegener will ride throughout the land indicating that the terrorists are coming, the terrorists are coming. This of course will be met with a hail of freedom giving gun fire by the militia. And as God is our witness, Denver will have never have brown lawns again.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Wow...take back the tour. Who's taking it back? The dopers! Let em all dope. Let em do pot! Oh wait..that's Mountain Bike Downhill. A lesser form of cycling. Duuude...yeaaah.....my bike weighs 50 pounds. Hand me that pipe.

Ricco, The Cobra, oops I mean The Trouser Snake tested positive for EPO. Wow all those red blood cells and he still couldn't beat Contador (The Cabana Boy) at the Giro.

Ban Spain! I mean really...Paella? Who the hell thought up that mess?

The Trouser Snake supplied me with something snide to say every mountain stage...he will be missed.

Bonus Snide Comment: Saunier Duval...French name, Spanish team, Italian douche.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Well, not much happened today. A break formed that was in no way a danger to the GC and Mr. Arvesen (CSC) got a stage win. However, in doping news. The Spanish continue to push the limits when it comes to EPO. Aha! We know sumting you do not know...we do not inject left handed. Vete a la chingada Frances...vamos a dopar! Podemos correr y podemos escondernos...nunca van a hallarnos! Ha! Ha! We are sleepairy like da eel.

CSP Table Mountain Crit aka PseudoMead aka Wheels of Thunder course

Last night was a good night for racing in a pack. The wind never really picked up strong enough to help any breaks stay away. I saw what looked like blocking from a VC guy for a while but that break came back. Colby Pearce, current points leader and former pro, stayed in the pack the whole hour. Since he is a marked man with the leader jersey and no team with him, we would have chased down like a pack rabid dogs and he knew it.

I had a good race...the counter-clockwise direction suits me better than the other way. I will know I am getting faster when I can successfully ride that race the other direction. Got 45 miles of riding in a circle between sitting on the 4s pack and our race. The hip was highly drugged with ibuprofen and didn't seem to bother me as much. I'm an over-the-counter doper.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Rest day.

Longmont Crit - State Championships

99 starters in this thing. I was at my traditional front 10 at the start and the pace seemed relatively lively. I was doing a pretty good job surfing around the pack until about 7 or 8 laps to go when my hip started to do it's thing and I bailed out with 6 to go. In hindsight, I will be taking ibuprofen and sucking it up from now on. As soon as I bailed, the break was caught and the pace dropped to a "let's all give up and accept a sprint finish so nobody wants to be in front" level.

Crashes, yes there were crashes. In fact, one nice and gory one right in front of me. I got a free lap pulling the "tip over" scam. There was no way I was going to close the gap opened up by the body pile. Testosterone and shitty cornering makes for a nice bloody race every week. It is pretty amazing that some of these guys actually show up every week and haven't been scared off yet.



Congratulations to Alan McCormack (51) who won the crit state championships and Randy Reichardt who took 2nd!

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Bon jour! C'est le jour d'attaque francaise aka Bastille Day. This is the day some French Domestique makes a glorious solo break for God and Country. We'll see what happens.

ohhhh...c'est la merde. No French weeen ahn zuh Bastille Day. L'italian poofter Piepoli weeens...he muhst be makeeen zuh dope.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Riccardo Ricco does it again. That skinny little chump can climb. No attack on his cycling ability but naming yourself "The Cobra" sort of makes you "The Trouser Snake."

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Nothing snide today. Cavendish still rocks and Robbie McEwen has no lead-out from his team. Damn you Cadel and your GC aspirations! By the way, if your wife has one of those Intuition razors, I highly recommend trying it out. Ooo yeah, soooo smooth.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

A big congrats to Manuel "Triki" Beltran for having the balls to stick it to "Take Back the Tour". Wow, it's amazing an ex Postal and Discovery rider would start doping after leaving those teams cause everybody knows they were clean. Oh snap, his 1999 samples were positive when they were tested 6 years later. Tienes que tener huevos grandes para dopar este ano. Buena suerte Manuel...eres el mas macho. Ahora empieza...Operacion Pendejo.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Ricco takes a stage! We should get some good snotty comments out of him this week. I might have to take a break on the "snide report" and let him go at it solo for a while.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Mark Cavendish is super cool...but look at the level of babe-swooning coolness he is following. Can he compete? Time will tell.

CSP Table Mountain Crit aka PseudoMead aka Wheels of Thunder course

Holy hell. The pace was insane on the first few laps last night. The plan to gutter the field on the top of the hill was nixed by Colby Pearce who had his own plan of torture. The elite VC guys road really well though and Christan McCarthy got in the break and won the race. As you can probably guess, I was no where near the front. I bounced around in a few different groups and pulled out after feeling I had had enough guttering torture for the night. Then we went to Qdoba and ate Quesadillas. That was worth it.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Snore...time trials are worse to watch than golf. Thank God for CyclingNews live updates and multi-tasking. Ooo....Cadel is off, woo-hoo! Look at the funny helmet and the sleaky position. Pedal, pedal, pedal. Snore.

Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour

Frischkorn rocks hard but not quite as hard as the frenchie dude from the cow nipple stimulator team, french people like to protest, and the badger is still un douche extrodinaire but I think he's cool, will he be my facebook friend? Mais no, je ne vais jamais être ton ami...idiot!

New Office Arrangement

Audrey Catburn has infiltrated Rosebud's chair so we have added furniture to accomodate her napping needs.

Niwot Crit

I swear to God I am going to have a good Niwot Crit one year! This was not the year. I felt sluggish warming up; I felt sort sluggish on the first few laps which were fast. The group felt the need to chase down two children from RMCEF who for whatever reason decided that a two up break was a good move 200 meters into the race.

I let myself slip back too far into the group then suffered from the corner jumping. With two 120 degree corners in a row and a bunch of 90s thrown in, being too far back is bad. I lasted about 30 minutes and as a gap opened in front of me I had had it. I saw a group behind and when they reached me it was apparent that they were in desperate riding mode and not working together. Some of the guys in the group were complaining about disorganization as they caught me so I just called it and let them go. The weirdness of dropping out of a crit halfway is that I always feel more fatigue after those 30 minutes than I do after having a good race for 60. The good thing about this race is that there were a ton of people taking pictures and if I wasn't fast I certainly looked good. "It's better to look good than to feel good."...Fernando

Speaking of looking good, you think the ACA would let me race something like this at Niwot next year?

Rosebud likes to camp

Rosebud likes snow in July on Cottonwood Pass.


Rosebud likes her camp spot.


Rosebud likes her tent a lot.


Rosebud likes it when daddy brings his electric guitar. It's great for camping; mommy can hardly hear the metal that Rosebud likes and Rosebud thinks Black Sabbath is soothing.

Rosebud likes to camp.