That was a great race. I can't say that I was great but it was definitely worth the drive for the workout. Boulder is great place for a mid-week crit series; there's always at least one pro dude who shows up. Last night it was Danielson who showed to initiate the attacking along with a good collection of Vitamin Cottage guys and some of the remaining Aussie kids who haven't gone home.
I blocked a bunch at the beginning and got into a rotating echelon with some of the elite VCers. That only lasted a few laps for me. Those guys are way stronger and I needed to get back into the pack and recover a bit. Eventually I found myself in the back pack. The "dropped" are always the dumbest riders and can't seem to accept their fate.
There is always at least one who has to attack the group instead of working with us. At one point I said to my teammate, "holy shit...it's an echelon...sweet. We're working together." The next corner our dipshit du jour, who had been sitting on the back, came around and attacked us. Basically that was the last time we tried to work together. If you aren't with us, you're against us.
I sat up for a lap to recover a bit and fix my glasses; it was dark and I couldn't see anything (Couldn't see with or without those things). I got back on our group as they came around and sat on the dipshit. With 2 laps to go, I told my teammate that I would lead him out. The course was about a .7 mile lap and with one to go I ramped it up about halfway. Unfortunately I gapped him on the 90 degree turn into the finish and the leadout didn't really work out. We did effectively drop everyone in our group though. It was a good race, all-in-all and I'll be back next week.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
World's Tiniest Bike Pants
Bannock Street Criterium
Nothing fantastic to report for Bannock. There was a 4 man break with one of our Vitamin Cottage guys in it, Mike Sharkey. I was stuck back in the pack for the whole race. Of course there were some ridiculous crashes to entertain the masochists. I finished up about mid-pack.
I should add that this is probably one of my best Bannock crits. When I was a 35/4, I was taken out on the first turn with 2 laps to go. Nice road rash and either a bruised or cracked tailbone which kept me uncomfortable on bar stools for about a year. Then a blowout in the 35s two years in a row. So I'll take a pack finish for that one and smile.
I should add that this is probably one of my best Bannock crits. When I was a 35/4, I was taken out on the first turn with 2 laps to go. Nice road rash and either a bruised or cracked tailbone which kept me uncomfortable on bar stools for about a year. Then a blowout in the 35s two years in a row. So I'll take a pack finish for that one and smile.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
CSP Table Mountain Crit aka PseudoMead aka Wheels of Thunder course
Alright that's it for the CSP Tuesday night race. If I want to go to a weekly practice crit, I can now go to Boulder for DBC's race or go to Meridian to really get with the silliness. As usual I sat on the back of the 4s for about 8 laps. That is the best pre-race warm out there. The pace is moderate and they crank it up for the sprint laps.
I don't know what it is about the counter-clockwise direction but it seems a lot easier for me. That little bit of rest going down the hill every lap is nice to my legs. I stayed in the pack for the first few laps watching a bunch of feeble attacks get sucked up. The top part of the course was a little hard at first with all the fresh legs and guttering on the top of the hill. I like to watch Bob Pinkerton (VC) race. He seems to always find the path of least resistance when there is any wind (there was not much) and always races well.
Eventually I was towards the front when a bunch of guys decided to bridge up to a group with at least one VC guy in it. I sat on the back of that group and had a free ride up there. That break was not going to succeed but being in it for a bit is still an accomplishment for an ex-Cat 4 sprint whore (me). When we were caught, I settled back in and rested a bit. Another break went and looked pretty good; they had a really good gap according to Andy the official (after-party discussion). I was in the pack sitting behind Jason Donald (Garmin-Chipotle) and Dan Schmatz (retired pro). They were talking and it seemed they had some sort of evil plan brewing. I decided to glue my eyes to Jason's ass panel and stay attached to him. Wow....that dude can go fast. He dragged me up to the front along with Schmatz, Carlos Casali (known speedster on the HART team) and Joey Pinkerton (VC), recruiting Jonathan Garcia (BMC) along the way. All I heard from Jason was, "let's bring them back". Oh crap, that is going to hurt the 40 year-old marginal Cat 3 legs.
I was sitting second wheel behind Jason and we were doing 35-36 mph. He flicked his elbow just before the chicane and I came through. Apparently I jumped a little because he told me to ease up a bit. I think if he knew me better he would have known that easing up is my specialty. I stayed out driving the pace for a reasonable amount of time then dropped back about 4 or 5 people. I was back on Jason's wheel for the final push up to the breakaway. Going up the little rise to the chicane he started to gap me at at least 35 mph. (This is the guy who was second in the Prologue at the 2008 Tour of California.) We had pretty much caught the break at that point. I took a little dig to decrease the gap and sat up to go back into the pack and recover. That really good break was caught in less than two laps.
With 3 or 4 laps to go, my legs had sort of recovered and felt pretty good. I was under the impression I might be able to sprint. The last lap came and I found myself sitting second wheel behind a Spine and Sport (Aka: Creamsicles) guy who did not want to be in front.I stayed glued to him and refused to come around. An Aussie kid attacked and I got on his wheel. He sat up. I think I was on Jonathan Garcia's wheel for a bit then Jason Donald attacked and I got on his wheel. All that attack covering deflated my opinion about sprinting. After a few hundred meters of staying on Jason's wheel, I had enough and let the guys who were able to sprint it out come around me. I sat up, rolled in off the back and declared myself done.
This week in doping: Ricco admits to taking EPO. Thanks Riccardo for coming clean. Looking forward to seeing you in a few years. It is a respectable thing to admit to your short-comings. You have gained a lot of credibility. Thanks dude. Oh...and thanks for pointing out how half-assed the testing was by missing 13 out of 15 positives. You still have your douche edge.
I don't know what it is about the counter-clockwise direction but it seems a lot easier for me. That little bit of rest going down the hill every lap is nice to my legs. I stayed in the pack for the first few laps watching a bunch of feeble attacks get sucked up. The top part of the course was a little hard at first with all the fresh legs and guttering on the top of the hill. I like to watch Bob Pinkerton (VC) race. He seems to always find the path of least resistance when there is any wind (there was not much) and always races well.
Eventually I was towards the front when a bunch of guys decided to bridge up to a group with at least one VC guy in it. I sat on the back of that group and had a free ride up there. That break was not going to succeed but being in it for a bit is still an accomplishment for an ex-Cat 4 sprint whore (me). When we were caught, I settled back in and rested a bit. Another break went and looked pretty good; they had a really good gap according to Andy the official (after-party discussion). I was in the pack sitting behind Jason Donald (Garmin-Chipotle) and Dan Schmatz (retired pro). They were talking and it seemed they had some sort of evil plan brewing. I decided to glue my eyes to Jason's ass panel and stay attached to him. Wow....that dude can go fast. He dragged me up to the front along with Schmatz, Carlos Casali (known speedster on the HART team) and Joey Pinkerton (VC), recruiting Jonathan Garcia (BMC) along the way. All I heard from Jason was, "let's bring them back". Oh crap, that is going to hurt the 40 year-old marginal Cat 3 legs.
I was sitting second wheel behind Jason and we were doing 35-36 mph. He flicked his elbow just before the chicane and I came through. Apparently I jumped a little because he told me to ease up a bit. I think if he knew me better he would have known that easing up is my specialty. I stayed out driving the pace for a reasonable amount of time then dropped back about 4 or 5 people. I was back on Jason's wheel for the final push up to the breakaway. Going up the little rise to the chicane he started to gap me at at least 35 mph. (This is the guy who was second in the Prologue at the 2008 Tour of California.) We had pretty much caught the break at that point. I took a little dig to decrease the gap and sat up to go back into the pack and recover. That really good break was caught in less than two laps.
With 3 or 4 laps to go, my legs had sort of recovered and felt pretty good. I was under the impression I might be able to sprint. The last lap came and I found myself sitting second wheel behind a Spine and Sport (Aka: Creamsicles) guy who did not want to be in front.I stayed glued to him and refused to come around. An Aussie kid attacked and I got on his wheel. He sat up. I think I was on Jonathan Garcia's wheel for a bit then Jason Donald attacked and I got on his wheel. All that attack covering deflated my opinion about sprinting. After a few hundred meters of staying on Jason's wheel, I had enough and let the guys who were able to sprint it out come around me. I sat up, rolled in off the back and declared myself done.
This week in doping: Ricco admits to taking EPO. Thanks Riccardo for coming clean. Looking forward to seeing you in a few years. It is a respectable thing to admit to your short-comings. You have gained a lot of credibility. Thanks dude. Oh...and thanks for pointing out how half-assed the testing was by missing 13 out of 15 positives. You still have your douche edge.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Douche Bag Tourist Statement
Overheard by Jaime at Starbucks:
Looking at the continental divide at sunrise, one douche bag says to douche bag friend, "Wow...that's beautiful. It looks just like a screen saver."
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Dare To Be Stupid - Salida Crit
I decided that today I would try to go with a break. Some time around the first Prime would be good. I let Kenny know in case he felt the overwhelming desire to block. Matt Barrowclough was also at the start but I didn't have time to talk to him.
Right from the gun a little RMCEF twerp and Robbie Stout (Horizon Organic) took off and I had an open line to get on their wheels. After turn #2 we had a pretty large gap thanks to one of Robbie's teammates and Lee Herndon (RMRC). Things were going really well for such a ridiculous attack. Then the first prime was called. We were working well together and the dude from CSU, known for pointless early attacking, came up with at least one other guy. Nice! Now we have at least 5 in the break and blockers! The stupid early attack might actually stay away for a while! Then within a block it was no longer to be. Something ignited way back in Robbie's brain stem that said, me need food...go fast...get prime for food...me hungry. So he basically turned the last two corners into a 5 up sprint for a prime blowing the crap out of a good group.
So much for working together. I was not going to chase after that kind of silliness so I sat up. The pack came around and I was a little cooked. Needless to say, the fracturing break incited the field to crank it up and I tried as hard as I could to stay attached. One dude in front of me totally gapped the last 15 in the pack and I had to close it. After being out early, it was more than I could take. The shelling came quick. I tried to ride with Robbie and keep the pack in sight in case they sat up a bit but it was not meant to be. He was done within a few laps and I don't think he got the prime. Oh...still so hungry and no gift certificate. Bummer dude. Is this the reason that most Cat 3 breaks don't succeed? Lack of communication? Feeling the need to attack the group for a gift certificate?
Kenny Rowe attacked on a late prime (5-6 to go) and eased up to go back to the pack leaving an RMRC guy out front. Matt B. saw his opportunity and attacked when Kenny was absorbed. He got a really good gap, passing the RMRC guy who was still off the front. He did a great job keeping his gap and it started raining. Rain is good news to anyone off the front. The pack has a much harder time getting around the corners in the rain. Matt held off the RMRC guy and took the win!
Right from the gun a little RMCEF twerp and Robbie Stout (Horizon Organic) took off and I had an open line to get on their wheels. After turn #2 we had a pretty large gap thanks to one of Robbie's teammates and Lee Herndon (RMRC). Things were going really well for such a ridiculous attack. Then the first prime was called. We were working well together and the dude from CSU, known for pointless early attacking, came up with at least one other guy. Nice! Now we have at least 5 in the break and blockers! The stupid early attack might actually stay away for a while! Then within a block it was no longer to be. Something ignited way back in Robbie's brain stem that said, me need food...go fast...get prime for food...me hungry. So he basically turned the last two corners into a 5 up sprint for a prime blowing the crap out of a good group.
So much for working together. I was not going to chase after that kind of silliness so I sat up. The pack came around and I was a little cooked. Needless to say, the fracturing break incited the field to crank it up and I tried as hard as I could to stay attached. One dude in front of me totally gapped the last 15 in the pack and I had to close it. After being out early, it was more than I could take. The shelling came quick. I tried to ride with Robbie and keep the pack in sight in case they sat up a bit but it was not meant to be. He was done within a few laps and I don't think he got the prime. Oh...still so hungry and no gift certificate. Bummer dude. Is this the reason that most Cat 3 breaks don't succeed? Lack of communication? Feeling the need to attack the group for a gift certificate?
Kenny Rowe attacked on a late prime (5-6 to go) and eased up to go back to the pack leaving an RMRC guy out front. Matt B. saw his opportunity and attacked when Kenny was absorbed. He got a really good gap, passing the RMRC guy who was still off the front. He did a great job keeping his gap and it started raining. Rain is good news to anyone off the front. The pack has a much harder time getting around the corners in the rain. Matt held off the RMRC guy and took the win!
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
Freakin' brilliant leadout by Quick Step for Gert Steegmans.
Well that's a wrap...thanks to the two people who read this junk. No more daily TV coverage until next year. Maybe we'll get weekend updates for the Vuelta. Time to throw out the sandbags, ride on the rivet, ride like a man possessed, throw caution and intellect to the wind, pedal squares, dig deep and other such cyclo-jargon.
Au revoir...drunk spectators, devils, dopers, that Al Troutwig replacement douche, Bob's gap, Saab's constant explanation of how every fucking turbo works, girating Mojito hips, ExxonMobil propaganda, channel flipping, needless but valiant attacking, pussy ass sponsors looking for excuses to bail on their teams, whiney wankers, ...but especially you brave Euro-Mullet-Wearers...we'll miss you most of all.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Important information from Facebook: Euro Cyclists Group
THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.
2. Training is based solely on feel, while racing is to be guided by sensations and instinct. The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.
3. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom distinct in colour. In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further!
4. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (large or small) with ANY AMOUNT of stubble visible on legs.
5. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.
6. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.
7. Cycling shoes must contain at least 80% white! The following exceptions apply…i) Colours combinations such as world cup stripes, or Olympic gold where title has been EARNED.ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.
8. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn. When booties are worn, socks should protrude approximately 7 centimetres above the ankle, and shall always protrude at least 1.5cm from any booties worn.
9. Your bike frame must contain 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.
10. You shall race only on Bora’s or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404’s or 202’s) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Regardless, Ceramic bearings shall be used at all times on both training and race bikes.
11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.
12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn at all time without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.
13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors at any time. It is, however, acceptable to wear your helmet while outdoors on a patio. (see rule 34)
14. In RARE cases, it has been deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE rule 12 is followed in these special cases.
15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with specifics of current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all time in place of caps.
16. Kits will always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette (cologne). It is, AT ALL TIMES, FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit, as it is extremely detrimental to your image.
17. Saddles shall be white in colour only and will be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions shall be made in the following cases… i) Saddles containing WorldCup Stripes or Olympic Gold when EARNEDii) Italian Flag colour combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)
18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as being WHITE IN COLOUR. Bar tape will be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.
19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm and a rise of no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours.
20. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.
21. Facial hair will be restricted to (at maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, or any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note: this DOES NOT apply to the legs!
22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted. There is a case by case exception for SRAM RED.
23. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than €2000 in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.
24. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.
25. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are Cross Country skiing, and long track speed skating.
26. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey, special gloves will be made to match the colour of the jersey while blending the team kit colours simultaneously.
27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or triathlete) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you are required to ride up uncomfortably close and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves.
28. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm/head movements are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.
29. you shall NEVER rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.
30. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of your bike.
31. Gearing is restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. You shall never be seen pedaling at a cadence over 90rpm in case it detracts from your calm/smooth factor. The use of 25t cog is acceptable in special training circumstances.
32. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to your home country’s flag located on the top-tube within 10 cm seat-tube ON ONE SIDE ONLY.
33. Pedals MUST be either Look or Time. No other pedals are to be considered. (as always, ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN).
34. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all).
35. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken while wearing your team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as puma's). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. You are expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophy.
36. All pre and post-race activity will be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massage, interviews, and looking fantastic) leaving you in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up your enviable tanlines or pose for photo’s.
37. Post-race, you shall be tied to your mobile phone, receiving endless calls from your attractive euro-girlfriend or important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.
38. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit, in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.
39. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s house or deep-trance hard-style German techno hereby known as 'euro beats'. NO EXCEPTIONS.
40. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) will be used on ALL BIKES. Exceptions include….i) Special edition 24k gold cages are acceptable in certain cases such as photo shoots, prologues or where colour coordination dictates. Ex. Gold Cage with Olympic Gold/white team kit.
41. Water Bottles shall be referred to solely as "Bidon's" and shall have a volume NOT EXCEEDING 500ml. Bidon's will always be matching of team/kit colours. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE in ANY CIRCUMSTANCE to leave bidon's on bike more than 10 minutes post ride OR while transporting bikes via bike rack.
42. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.
43. While soloing in for a victory, you will ensure your jersey is FULLY ZIPPED and ALLIGNED, so all title sponsors are clearly visible. You shall then smile and flex your arms while pointing skywards. The projection of ones fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.
44. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor’s products, you have the option of appearing fully nude, in your team kit, or in full Brioni 3 piece suits (nothing else). Smiling is prohibited in these instances.
45. When appearing in documentaries, you must be seen walking around the hotel in your kit at all times. It is also recommended that you constantly be eating something in front of the cameras.
46. When asked "how are you?" while riding you must proceed with one of the following...-Complain about coming off a sickness.- Explain you're peaking for bigger races later in the season- Mention that this is a "recovery ride"-That you are on the tail end of your daily 6 hour training ride.
47. If you feel the urge to relieve yourself during a race, you shall gracefully meander to the back of the pack, seat yourself sideways on his saddle, and pee into the sunflowers. It is your duty to ensure that no camera crew catches the act, for it could be detrimental to your image. Under no circumstances shall you dismount from his bike to urinate.
48. When climbing anything with a gradient above 20% and lasting over 8 kilometers, you are required to fully unzip your jersey and let it flutter freely in the wind.
49. When dropping out of a race, you shall avoid the embarrassment of entering the official broomwagon and will instead wait for the team vehicle. When asked the reason for dropping out, you shall cite mechanical problems or oncoming sickness as the reason to avoid any bad speculation in relation to your fitness.
50. If in doubt, the euro cyclist shall mention in an interview that his pollen allergies are acting up, and that he’s not sure that he’ll win the Giro this year. In this situation, remember to note that the sensations are otherwise good, and that eventually you’ll win a beautiful stage.
51. Team-building motivational camps will be held annually in the off-season. These are to place team members in as ridiculous a setting as possible. Photos will be widely reproduced to demonstrate team cohesion.
52. During the pre-race medical checks, star riders of each team are STRONGLY ADVISED to play doctor with each other while shirtless. Photos taken must strive to be as HOMOEROTIC AS POSSIBLE.
53. In order to avoid the harsh European winter, you shall:i)flee to the warmer climes of Mallorca/South Africa/Canary Islands/etc.ii)“train the mind, body and soul” with Kreitler brand rollers.
54. In the event of a crash, no matter how badly you have injured yourself, you shall proceed to mummify yourself with fishnet gauze. The act of gauzing oneself is looked upon with respect by other Euro Cyclists because it is a statement of commitment and strength of character to continue racing when injured. White Gauze is the norm, but world cup striped gauze and or national colors may be worn on select occasions depending on the rider.
Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.
2. Training is based solely on feel, while racing is to be guided by sensations and instinct. The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.
3. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom distinct in colour. In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further!
4. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (large or small) with ANY AMOUNT of stubble visible on legs.
5. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.
6. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.
7. Cycling shoes must contain at least 80% white! The following exceptions apply…i) Colours combinations such as world cup stripes, or Olympic gold where title has been EARNED.ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.
8. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn. When booties are worn, socks should protrude approximately 7 centimetres above the ankle, and shall always protrude at least 1.5cm from any booties worn.
9. Your bike frame must contain 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.
10. You shall race only on Bora’s or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404’s or 202’s) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Regardless, Ceramic bearings shall be used at all times on both training and race bikes.
11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.
12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn at all time without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.
13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors at any time. It is, however, acceptable to wear your helmet while outdoors on a patio. (see rule 34)
14. In RARE cases, it has been deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE rule 12 is followed in these special cases.
15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with specifics of current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all time in place of caps.
16. Kits will always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette (cologne). It is, AT ALL TIMES, FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit, as it is extremely detrimental to your image.
17. Saddles shall be white in colour only and will be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions shall be made in the following cases… i) Saddles containing WorldCup Stripes or Olympic Gold when EARNEDii) Italian Flag colour combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)
18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as being WHITE IN COLOUR. Bar tape will be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.
19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm and a rise of no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours.
20. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.
21. Facial hair will be restricted to (at maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, or any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note: this DOES NOT apply to the legs!
22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted. There is a case by case exception for SRAM RED.
23. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than €2000 in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.
24. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.
25. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are Cross Country skiing, and long track speed skating.
26. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey, special gloves will be made to match the colour of the jersey while blending the team kit colours simultaneously.
27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or triathlete) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you are required to ride up uncomfortably close and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves.
28. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm/head movements are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.
29. you shall NEVER rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.
30. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of your bike.
31. Gearing is restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. You shall never be seen pedaling at a cadence over 90rpm in case it detracts from your calm/smooth factor. The use of 25t cog is acceptable in special training circumstances.
32. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to your home country’s flag located on the top-tube within 10 cm seat-tube ON ONE SIDE ONLY.
33. Pedals MUST be either Look or Time. No other pedals are to be considered. (as always, ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN).
34. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all).
35. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken while wearing your team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as puma's). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. You are expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophy.
36. All pre and post-race activity will be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massage, interviews, and looking fantastic) leaving you in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up your enviable tanlines or pose for photo’s.
37. Post-race, you shall be tied to your mobile phone, receiving endless calls from your attractive euro-girlfriend or important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.
38. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit, in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.
39. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s house or deep-trance hard-style German techno hereby known as 'euro beats'. NO EXCEPTIONS.
40. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) will be used on ALL BIKES. Exceptions include….i) Special edition 24k gold cages are acceptable in certain cases such as photo shoots, prologues or where colour coordination dictates. Ex. Gold Cage with Olympic Gold/white team kit.
41. Water Bottles shall be referred to solely as "Bidon's" and shall have a volume NOT EXCEEDING 500ml. Bidon's will always be matching of team/kit colours. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE in ANY CIRCUMSTANCE to leave bidon's on bike more than 10 minutes post ride OR while transporting bikes via bike rack.
42. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.
43. While soloing in for a victory, you will ensure your jersey is FULLY ZIPPED and ALLIGNED, so all title sponsors are clearly visible. You shall then smile and flex your arms while pointing skywards. The projection of ones fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.
44. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor’s products, you have the option of appearing fully nude, in your team kit, or in full Brioni 3 piece suits (nothing else). Smiling is prohibited in these instances.
45. When appearing in documentaries, you must be seen walking around the hotel in your kit at all times. It is also recommended that you constantly be eating something in front of the cameras.
46. When asked "how are you?" while riding you must proceed with one of the following...-Complain about coming off a sickness.- Explain you're peaking for bigger races later in the season- Mention that this is a "recovery ride"-That you are on the tail end of your daily 6 hour training ride.
47. If you feel the urge to relieve yourself during a race, you shall gracefully meander to the back of the pack, seat yourself sideways on his saddle, and pee into the sunflowers. It is your duty to ensure that no camera crew catches the act, for it could be detrimental to your image. Under no circumstances shall you dismount from his bike to urinate.
48. When climbing anything with a gradient above 20% and lasting over 8 kilometers, you are required to fully unzip your jersey and let it flutter freely in the wind.
49. When dropping out of a race, you shall avoid the embarrassment of entering the official broomwagon and will instead wait for the team vehicle. When asked the reason for dropping out, you shall cite mechanical problems or oncoming sickness as the reason to avoid any bad speculation in relation to your fitness.
50. If in doubt, the euro cyclist shall mention in an interview that his pollen allergies are acting up, and that he’s not sure that he’ll win the Giro this year. In this situation, remember to note that the sensations are otherwise good, and that eventually you’ll win a beautiful stage.
51. Team-building motivational camps will be held annually in the off-season. These are to place team members in as ridiculous a setting as possible. Photos will be widely reproduced to demonstrate team cohesion.
52. During the pre-race medical checks, star riders of each team are STRONGLY ADVISED to play doctor with each other while shirtless. Photos taken must strive to be as HOMOEROTIC AS POSSIBLE.
53. In order to avoid the harsh European winter, you shall:i)flee to the warmer climes of Mallorca/South Africa/Canary Islands/etc.ii)“train the mind, body and soul” with Kreitler brand rollers.
54. In the event of a crash, no matter how badly you have injured yourself, you shall proceed to mummify yourself with fishnet gauze. The act of gauzing oneself is looked upon with respect by other Euro Cyclists because it is a statement of commitment and strength of character to continue racing when injured. White Gauze is the norm, but world cup striped gauze and or national colors may be worn on select occasions depending on the rider.
Super Extra Bonus Stupid Stuff
The clear leader in the Douche Jersey this year is the ASO for attempting and failing to change the tours doping image. Nice job omitting Astana and keeping Saunier Duval which is now as Scott-American Beef. That's a fantastic name for a team. I wonder if they will play nice with the Dairy Cow team, Agritubel.
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
Oh bugger! The soft, emotional, squeaky-voice community of Australia is currently embraced in a comforting but forelorned hug. Down with that little Spanish Wanker!
All the Rainbow Flags in Sydney are at half mast.
Holy hell, I gotta jump on that limited edition Thomas Kincade, Daytona 500 print advertised on Versus. That'll look good with a L'Elvis de Veltette against a backdrop of panelling. What an opportunity to collect some art! I'm so glad I didn't flip channels today.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
Another breakaway from non-GC threats is finished. It's nice to see a French guy win something once in a while.
Tomorrow is the day. Cadel will crush it, Sastre might show us something we have not seen from him, Robbie McEwen will coast along saving his energy for sprinting vengeance in Paris since he no longer has look at Mark Cavendish's ass 20 meters ahead of him.
Tomorrow is the day. Cadel will crush it, Sastre might show us something we have not seen from him, Robbie McEwen will coast along saving his energy for sprinting vengeance in Paris since he no longer has look at Mark Cavendish's ass 20 meters ahead of him.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
No such luck for the French Police today when they searched Johnny Schleck's car. Sorry Froggies, Frank and Andy might just be fast up hill.
Maybe they eat less butter in Luxembourg.
Maybe they eat less butter in Luxembourg.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
CSP Table Mountain Crit aka PseudoMead aka Wheels of Thunder course
Congratulations to Jon Tarkington and Beth Fisk on the birth of Sam Douglas Tarkington yesterday!
So this race blew up rather quickly. I went after the first sprint points and as usual was 6th and took no points. I held in there OK after the sprint but the legs were hurting. Gaps started opening up and eventually I was popped off the back. So much for going after that first sprint. I eventually got into a group and we were doing a good job of rotating. A Primus Mootry 35+ geek was giving us shit for not changing our rotation down the hill for the little bit of time the wind changed (slightly) so we appeased him and started changing. He didn't really want to ride with us if we didn't do what he told us to do. What a dork.
Speaking of dorks, the two Echelon guys in our group chucked their water bottles with 2 or 3 to go and started driving the pace like they thought they would drop us. It was like a lead out for someone but they didn't have anyone else in the our pack. Lee Herndon and I were the only ones sitting on them. WTF. They drove us around to 3 Vitamin Cottage guys who had lapped us then immediately blew up and sat up in front of them. WTF.
It is always weird when people get so geeked to set up sprints for 40th place. Let see. I sucked it up and got dropped but I'll be damned if I am going to ride through the finish with the people I have been sucking it up with for the last half hour.
So this race blew up rather quickly. I went after the first sprint points and as usual was 6th and took no points. I held in there OK after the sprint but the legs were hurting. Gaps started opening up and eventually I was popped off the back. So much for going after that first sprint. I eventually got into a group and we were doing a good job of rotating. A Primus Mootry 35+ geek was giving us shit for not changing our rotation down the hill for the little bit of time the wind changed (slightly) so we appeased him and started changing. He didn't really want to ride with us if we didn't do what he told us to do. What a dork.
Speaking of dorks, the two Echelon guys in our group chucked their water bottles with 2 or 3 to go and started driving the pace like they thought they would drop us. It was like a lead out for someone but they didn't have anyone else in the our pack. Lee Herndon and I were the only ones sitting on them. WTF. They drove us around to 3 Vitamin Cottage guys who had lapped us then immediately blew up and sat up in front of them. WTF.
It is always weird when people get so geeked to set up sprints for 40th place. Let see. I sucked it up and got dropped but I'll be damned if I am going to ride through the finish with the people I have been sucking it up with for the last half hour.
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
Nothing stupid today in the tour! This is the stage we have been waiting for. Wait a minute, there's always something stupid. Here's something or someone stupid, Cadel Evans swatting French Media Flies. He needs to take off his skirt, grow a mustache and harden the fuck up, right Chopper? Just when I was feeling sad about Riccard Ricco disappearing on us, Cadel steps up as the new peloton douche.
Sweet! Amidst the Hill of Drunken French Douche Bags. A non-douche bag from a non-douche bag team takes the GC and Stage 17.
Sweet! Amidst the Hill of Drunken French Douche Bags. A non-douche bag from a non-douche bag team takes the GC and Stage 17.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
SNIDE COMMENTATOR: O Riccardo, Riccardo! Wherefore art thou Riccardo? Deny thy silly name (Cobra) and refuse thy dope; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn to ride again, And shalt not longer be ragged upon.
Riccardo [Aside.]: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
SNIDE COMMENTATOR: 'Tis but thy name that is the enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Cobra. What's Cobra? It is nor Trikki, nor Pirate, Nor Kaiser, nor Badger. O, be some other name Belonging to a man. For dost not thine name beckon to be called the Snake of the Trouser? That which we call a Cobra By any other word would reek of a stench. So Riccardo would, were he not Cobra called, Retain that perfection which he owes Without the title Douche. Riccardo, doff thy name; And for thy name which is no part of thee, for thou be the Trouser Snake.
Ricco, dude, we miss you. The Tour needs a douche and nobody has stepped up in your absence.
Riccardo [Aside.]: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
SNIDE COMMENTATOR: 'Tis but thy name that is the enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Cobra. What's Cobra? It is nor Trikki, nor Pirate, Nor Kaiser, nor Badger. O, be some other name Belonging to a man. For dost not thine name beckon to be called the Snake of the Trouser? That which we call a Cobra By any other word would reek of a stench. So Riccardo would, were he not Cobra called, Retain that perfection which he owes Without the title Douche. Riccardo, doff thy name; And for thy name which is no part of thee, for thou be the Trouser Snake.
Ricco, dude, we miss you. The Tour needs a douche and nobody has stepped up in your absence.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Au revoir Bushy Pants
Bush is not long for the office and I am going to miss learnin' alternative usagism for naytionalistic English languages.
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
A thank you to Matt Stein for providing today's excerpt.
Rest day reckless speculation:
by Matt Stein, Northfield, MN
Menchov is looking good (If doesn’t fall over) – He’s either going to be huge on Alpe D’Huez or a big chocker.
Cadel is done. When they come out of the Alps the time he can recover in the TT won’t be enough. Will he cry again?
Nice try C-VV [Christian Vande Velde] – Top 10 in Paris. Need to do some attacking to stay in top 5…sitting on Cadel's wheel isn't going to get you there.
Rest day reckless speculation:
by Matt Stein, Northfield, MN
Menchov is looking good (If doesn’t fall over) – He’s either going to be huge on Alpe D’Huez or a big chocker.
Cadel is done. When they come out of the Alps the time he can recover in the TT won’t be enough. Will he cry again?
Nice try C-VV [Christian Vande Velde] – Top 10 in Paris. Need to do some attacking to stay in top 5…sitting on Cadel's wheel isn't going to get you there.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Leanin' Tree Crit
Great course. Two 90 degree turns back-to-back into a long sweeping, slightly downhill turn ending with a 90. Then up a little power hill around another 90 and about 600 or 700 meters up through the start/finish. Laps were about 3 minutes.
Chris Cummings, took off about 2 laps into the race and got a guy to go with him. Since it was so early, I decided to see what would happen. He and the other guy stayed away the whole race with one guy chasing. It was bloody hot and windy. A storm was building up and the wind shifted from a tailwind to headwind down the finish straight. That really help the break to stay away. While the pack was rolling slowly into the headwind, they were on the long, sloping downhill going downwind. Sometimes early breaks work.
Chris won when the other guy started sprinting with 500 meters to go and he waited to come around with about 50 meters. That was a really good race for him and confirms his desire to move to the 2s. I finished mid-pack and was able to pick off a few people at the end who were stalling into the vicious headwind. All-in-all a good race for me, especially since I have not historically ridden well with temperatures near 100.
Added note thanks to my beautiful wife Jaime: I like to make sound effects when zipping up the side of the pack when Lee (Herndon) is there to hear them..."Yikes, and away!"
Chris Cummings, took off about 2 laps into the race and got a guy to go with him. Since it was so early, I decided to see what would happen. He and the other guy stayed away the whole race with one guy chasing. It was bloody hot and windy. A storm was building up and the wind shifted from a tailwind to headwind down the finish straight. That really help the break to stay away. While the pack was rolling slowly into the headwind, they were on the long, sloping downhill going downwind. Sometimes early breaks work.
Chris won when the other guy started sprinting with 500 meters to go and he waited to come around with about 50 meters. That was a really good race for him and confirms his desire to move to the 2s. I finished mid-pack and was able to pick off a few people at the end who were stalling into the vicious headwind. All-in-all a good race for me, especially since I have not historically ridden well with temperatures near 100.
Added note thanks to my beautiful wife Jaime: I like to make sound effects when zipping up the side of the pack when Lee (Herndon) is there to hear them..."Yikes, and away!"
Tur Day Fraance Stupid Comment Du Jour
Nothing snide today. I don't think anyone really believed Pereiro to be a GC contender, after he won by default in the Landis affair, but nobody likes to see someone take a crash like that.
Heal quickly...little Spanish monkey.
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